Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
