I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He better not be in your backpack
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
