i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
