Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
