Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
