Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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