god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
