You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
we made out on top of his cat.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
