My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
