I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
