Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
