We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I still have a little drunk in my system
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
