Is it because I queefed?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
