so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
