Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
