I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
