She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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