All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
