You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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