matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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