Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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