Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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