Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
