I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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