Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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