Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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