my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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