i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
