There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Only a mothe r could love this liver
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize