she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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