At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
operation have a gay friend backfired
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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