he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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