You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
What a dumb baby whore.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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