I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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