Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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