i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
