Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
