I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
