wakey wakey hands off snakey
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
