Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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