Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
