I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
