the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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