The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
