he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
