actually, I'm a sock model
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
