okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
