Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
