dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
