Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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