You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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